We were all shocked by the recent senseless killing of a group of church goers at Mother Emmanuel Church in Charleston, S.C. This incident expressed the worst of humanity. It was a depraved, cowardly act. The motive behind the shooting was to incite a race war but instead, the crime has unleashed radical forgiveness. Out of the pit of suffering comes the very best of who we are.

Some of the family members and loved ones of those killed publically declared their forgiveness of Dylann Roof. I wondered what I would say within hours or days of my child, sibling or parent being gunned down. Perhaps, the most moving testimonial came from one of the victim’s daughters. She said that while others were offering forgiveness, she was working on forgiving. That was a touching statement because in the midst of her pain she was seeking the heart she knew her God would want her to have but she had to admit she wasn’t quite there yet – who could blame her? Her honesty moved me. She was seeking to uncover radical forgiveness within her own heart; the forgiveness that goes deeper than words.

Jumping the Abyss from Pain to Forgiveness

Don’t get me wrong, that first step, to even utter the words “I forgive” is like leaping a giant abyss.  It verges on the impossible because you have to let go of your ego and discover what Rev. Moon referred to as a zero point within yourself where it’s not about you. I have tremendous admiration for all the people impacted by hatred that can utter those precious words. These words are like diamonds to God because they enable Him to once more believe in us. With each “I forgive” a little tension is released in God’s heart as He rediscovers hope for humanity.

What the daughter from South Carolina was looking for is what comes after the “I forgive.” There are still the inner workings of the heart to manage; to come to a point where you are released from the hold of the person who came against you. “I forgive” is just the starting point.

Even getting to that starting point is not easy. I was reminded of this while working with the Women’s Federation for World Peace. This organization, led by Dr. Hak Ja Han Moon invites women around the world to build peace through the logic of love. Political logic and laws can only take us so far. Our signature program is the Bridge of Peace. This program brings together women of enemy nations or groups and invites them to come into relationship by applying the logic of love and forgiveness In Boston, we offered the Bridge of Peace to a group of women representing African American women and Caucasian women from New England. Organizing that ceremony was like trying to tame a tornado. Emotions ran high. At one point, an African American sister pulled back from greeting her Caucasian counterpart angrily stating that to do so was akin to asking her to swallow razor blades. This statement grabbed me. In my ignorance, I hadn’t understood what I was inviting these women to do.

How do you discover the ability for radical forgiveness? This is a very real and urgent question. It’s one that even God has struggled with. God has had to be willing to take what is broken and trashed and recreate it. That’s tough. Why should anyone forgive – it’s a risky business. It’s a nice idea but does it really work in the real world?

Radical Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something people have always struggled with. Peter brought the same question to Jesus 2,000 years ago.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

In this dramatic statement Jesus is reversing the Law of Lamech (Genesis 4:23-24) which detailed the exact same number to describe how many times Lamech would seek revenge. You can see the Law of Lamech at work in the world today. Some people have clearly missed the message that Jesus brought and are trapped in the past.

Jesus was radical. He ultimately said there are two ways to live; the way of vengeance or the way of forgiveness. To make the point he tells a story that we are all familiar with, recorded in Matthew 18:21-27. A well-known pastor, John Ortberg, took the parable and expressed it through a modern day analogy:

The CEO and the Embezzler

A company faced an unexpected loss of cash. After investigation it was discovered that the Vice-President of Sales had embezzled hundreds of thousands of dollars; more than the VP could ever hope to repay. He was facing a tarnished reputation, prison time, huge fines and ruin for his family. He didn’t know what to do. The CEO confronted the man he once trusted. The air was heavy with reproof.

The VP sat before his accuser, his head between his hands. A couple of trustees stood to one side ready to see justice done. The VP looked up with tears in his eyes. He plead for mercy. After a long silence, the CEO did the unthinkable and told the VP the dead was forgiven.

Ortberg summarizes the story by saying Jesus employed an unthinkable strategy:YOU OWE – I’ll PAY. This radical forgiveness flew in the face of the Law of Lemech. But can this philosophy work in everyday life? Is it realistic?

How do you forgive?

This is a very serious question when you take into consideration some of the terrible things that may require forgiveness. Have you ever had a situation that required radical forgiveness? What did you do?

Sometimes we can’t forgive because we are approaching it all wrong. We are operating under the assumption that if we just try hard enough somehow our feelings will change and we will magically get over it. Until then, we just try to shove it down inside and not think about it.

This approach to forgiveness won’t get you very far. Instead consider a staged approach to forgiveness. Having a clear view of the stages also helps you assess where you are at on the journey to healing. In being honest with yourself you can have hope to go to the next level.

1. You give up the quest to get even. The first step is to give up the idea not to hurt the person back. You decide to be a little less Lemech like. Why should you do that? Because the way of vengeance doesn’t get you very far. It’s not easy to let go of vengeance – remember the comment from the woman who felt she was being asked to swallow razor blades (a true story.) You have to wrestle with what will be the point of holding onto your anger. Do I want to continue it for another generation?  Giving up the quest for vengeance doesn’t mean you can’t seek justice. Justice should be sought but justice will be hollow if you haven’t also found forgiveness.
2. You discover a new way of seeing and feeling: Today, I stumbled across an amazing turnaround story. You are no doubt familiar with the iconic photo that came to symbolize the Vietnam War, of a naked girl running from a temple which had been bombed with Napalm. She grew up hating that photo. She was embarrassed by it and full of anger for the physical and mental suffering it symbolized. Later, as a grown woman, her healing was stimulated by being honest about what that photo represented to her. Her way out was when she realized she could work with that picture for peace. Instead of shying away from her suffering she decided to face it full on and work to help children similarly affected by war. It takes courage to reframe a situation so that you can work it for good and use what you have learned. On a note closer to home, have you ever heard someone say something untrue about you? I think everyone, at some time or other has been a victim of gossip. It helps to reframe and realize the malicious words are just a reflection of where they are at. You can have compassion for them.
3. You hope for good things for your enemy. This is the gold standard! You can check if you are ready for this by your reaction when you hear a kind word about the person you hate and instead of agreeing are screaming inside for rebuttal time!You can’t stand to think well of him or her.

But instead of feeling hopeless about your struggle to forgive you can at least know your heart is on the right trajectory. When you finally want good things for people who hurt you, you can know that God’s heart to forgive is beginning to take root in you!

Something worth fighting for

Forgiveness is worth fighting for or you are tied in a ball and chain relationship with those who hurt you. This is why Jesus encouraged us to pray to forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Forgiveness is the only way out.

I heard an interesting interview with Roxane Gay who when questioned about the possibility of forgiving the murderer said it wasn’t required. The interviewer asked if the Lord’s prayer didn’t require forgiveness under every circumstance. Roxanne replied that as she hadn’t committed murder nothing required her to forgive that crime. I thought it missed the point to split hairs on forgiveness.

If you don’t forgive it will fester and grow. You may think it’s well hidden but you know what – everyone can see it in you!

And now for the rest of the story….

Let’s return to the parable of the CEO and the embezzler. The Vice President, restored to his position, is going about his business when he happens upon an employee who owes him change from a cup of coffee. He asks for the 30 cents. When the employee hasn’t got it on him, the Vice President begins to ream him out, an argument ensues and the employee is fired on the spot. When word gets back to the CEO, he is livid; how come the VP couldn’t pass on a little grace? Is that too much to ask? The CEO calls the VP into his office and summarily fires him. The moral of the story is our Heavenly Parent asks us to forgive others as we have been forgiven.

It’s never too late to forgive

My African American friend was brave. In the face of having to swallow razor blades she decided to cross the Bridge of Peace and embrace her Caucasian sister. It was a moment of liberation. They became friends, and well, the rest is history.

I want to leave you with some wisdom from Rev. Moon

“The essence of true love is to love people who are unlovable. I went back to North Korea, not as to the enemy’s home, but I went there as if I was visiting my beloved brother’s home in my homeland. Carrying the principle that sustained me throughout my life, “Forgive, Love and Unite,” in my heart, I traveled to North Korea.”

What or who is it that you want to forgive?