Our series, “You were made for more” is the perfect opportunity to talk about what matters in life. Thinking about what matters most immediately boils the conversation down to two things. I know that seems ridiculous because there are so many things in life that are important….where we live, our career; creating wealth, discovering a new wonder drug, or writing the next song. All these things do matter but if the criteria is what matters most (not that other things don’t matter) it has to come down to just two things because only two things in life are always there no matter what, always and forever, and that would be God and people!
Being a church we talk about God a lot, I mean a lot!! But we’re not just about God…we’re about people too.
Like two sides of a coin
There is no head without a tail. And just as we say God is most important, to God people are important. Wouldn’t He say, “In my book, all the people of the world, all of my children, are the most important thing.”
Just like God though, sometimes we feel lonely and wonder, “Who are my peeps?” “Where are my friends?” You have a quiet moment and can’t stand the silence so you scroll down your phone, checking to see if anyone has texted you in the last nanosecond. You know, you’ve done it!
Don’t worry – it’s totally normal because we were made for relationship! What matters most in life is that we find our relationship with God and others. If we have God and no others, or others and no God we are experiencing only half of life. Who wants to go through life without experiencing it to the fullest?
Just as we are sometimes disappointed with God, we can also be disappointed with people. I’d go so far as to say the latter is an almost universal experience. So how do you deal with that?
One way we deal with it is to cut ourselves off from other people because we have been hurt. But is that really solution? Life is full of examples of relationships gone awry, of betrayal and bad experiences. But do you allow life to stop there? Whose move is it that determines the future?
Drawing on essential wisdom
Some people are fairly cynical about the Bible, wondering what relevance it has for this day and age but it’s a treasure trove of wisdom that science and modern understanding is only just beginning to catch up to.
God might not be incredibly up to date – maybe we are even surprising Him with some of our technologies. Why not? Maybe, He never imagined all of the things we have created but when it comes to wisdom about love no-one can beat Him. And so there is great merit in delving into the wisdom of scripture.
Today, I want to delve into a well-known story but focus in on the end of the tale because that is where the miracle is. It’s not the frogs and locust type of miracle like in Moses’ day. It’s a profound miracle of love created by Joseph who played the right move when it mattered most.
If you think about it, Joseph had more right than anyone else to complain about the injustice visited upon him by his family. They were beyond selfish and mean. His brothers tricked him and sold him into slavery. His story gets worse. He is the good guy but ends up trapped by the selfish and perverted acts of others from the salacious Potiphar’s wife to the fellow prisoner who left him languishing in a dungeon.
But being the good guy he eventually comes out on top and becomes the overseer and a trusted assistant to the Pharaoh. He becomes wealthy and when a famine strikes Egypt he is suddenly in a position to help the family who betrayed him.
It’s his move – not God’s move. Genesis 45 describes his move in detail. He too was of the opinion there is always a way out.
“Joseph could stand it no longer. There were many people in the room, and he said to his attendants, “Out, all of you!” So he was alone with his brothers when he told them who he was. 2 Then he broke down and wept…..3 “I am Joseph!” he said to his brothers. “Is my father still alive?” But his brothers were speechless! They were stunned to realize that Joseph was standing there in front of them.4 “Please, come closer,” he said to them. So they came closer. And he said again, “I am Joseph, your brother, whom you sold into slavery in Egypt. 5 But don’t be upset, and don’t be angry with yourselves for selling me to this place. It was God who sent me here ahead of you to preserve your lives. 6 This famine that has ravaged the land for two years will last five more years, and there will be neither plowing nor harvesting. 7 God has sent me ahead of you to keep you and your families alive and to preserve many survivors.[a] 8 So it was God who sent me here, not you! …….
9 “Now hurry back to my father and tell him, ‘This is what your son Joseph says: God has made me master over all the land of Egypt. So come down to me immediately! 10 You can live in the region of Goshen, where you can be near me …..14 Weeping with joy, he embraced Benjamin, and Benjamin did the same. 15 Then Joseph kissed each of his brothers and wept over them, and after that they began talking freely with him.
Joseph wasn’t resentful; although I am sure he had to first struggle with overcoming that emotion. Joseph decided to be kind. This is an amazing story and shows the power of one individual who decides regardless of his circumstances he is going to make the right move.
We were born for relationship and this wisdom is echoed in modern research on relationship. The question is what will be the quality and value of my relationships? When Joseph responded to his brothers he didn’t act irrationally or in haste. He thought of God and the bigger picture. He thought about eternity.
There is a beautiful quote by Rev. Moon that speaks to this:
“If your day-to-day lives have a transient value that affects only you, you cannot make a connection with eternity. That is the reason you must lead a life in which you can make a connection with God’s eternal love.” – SMM
How do we create relationships that can last and be connected to God’s eternal love?
Interestingly modern science agrees with Joseph’s strategy. I read a thought provoking article the other day that I posted on my FB page. It’s got a catchy title, “Science Says that Lasting Relationships Come Down to Two Basic Traits.” As you can imagine, I was drawn in! It’s the best relationship (not just marriage) advice I have ever read.
So what does keep people together to create eternal relationships? This is no idle question. The researchers noted that every June 13,000 American couples say “I do” but a majority of those marriages fail.
The researchers mused, “Was each family unhappy in its own way, as Tolstoy claimed, or did miserable marriages all share something toxic in common?”
Masters and disasters
John Gottman and Robert Levenson took up the challenge to discover what allows couples to succeed or fail and discovered they had two types of people in the relationships they studied. They promptly named them, “Disasters” and “Masters.”What they observed was that the Masters created a calm atmosphere in their relationships and had a connectivity, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior even when they fought. The Masters created a climate of trust and intimacy that made them more emotionally and physically comfortable. To understand more they followed up with an intensive, longitudinal study that focused in on how the couples responded to each other’s cues.
The amazing thing is Gottman could predict with 94% accuracy whether couples would stay together! What is the secret of staying together? Like Joseph the Masters in this study, according to Gottman, “are always scanning the social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building a culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully.”
Gottman observed that the Masters in his study thought about kindness as a muscle to be exercised. It’s something you have to keep doing in a “use it or lose it” kind of a way. The Masters were also generous. Their default behavior in an argument was to give their partner the benefit of the doubt. They assumed the best and responded to that.
On the other hand the Disaster couples were so focused on criticizing each other they failed to see 50% of the positive things their partners were doing for them and even saw negativity when it wasn’t there! I found this study fascinating. It made me think about my own behavior.
To read more about this study: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/#ixzz3JNfW3m6T
Joseph was kind and generous to his brothers and family even when he didn’t have to be. He truly was a master of love. Because of that God could work in a huge way in his life.
Unbeknown to Joseph, through exercising his muscle of kindness, God was able to make good on His promise to Abraham and lay the foundation for God’s will to unfold and for the Messiah to come. What if Joseph had decided not to be kind?…After all it was his move. We all have a move to make and our future and God’s future may depend on it.
What will your move be?
Buddhism encourages compassion – there are many beautiful quotes about compassion, which is the emotion behind kindness. But I often struggle when I hear the exhortation to be compassionate. What if you don’t feel compassionate? What if you are angry? This is where kindness is such a useful tool because you can always act in a kind way – you can respond, you can show interest just as the Gottman’s Masters did, even if you don’t feel like doing so. When you give it time I think you’ll find your emotions will catch up with your actions.
Who are your people? Who has God called you to make a move with? By exercising kindness in our relationships we create eternity. It’s our move to make. Try practicing kindness and generosity in your relationships and see what happens.
